Overwhelmed

That really doesn't adequately describe how I feel right now. Remember being in middle school and people would try to stick post-it's on each other's backs saying 'kick me'? Right now, I'm the 'kick me' kid. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm the person who is always happy. Lets things just roll off her back. Can't be fazed easily. The higher the pressure, the better I handle the situation. I think I'm like that in personality because I had many tough obstacles to overcome as a child. But right now, it feels as though nothing can go right.

Last week I flew home for my father's funeral. This was physically challenging being only 2 weeks out of surgery combined with the vascular complication that I'm dealing with. Emotionally, it was a nightmare for the obvious reasons as well as some lesser known ones. Without delving into some very personal family matters, it will suffice to say that I have not been close with my extended family for many years of my own volition so it was a big family reunion wrapped up around my father's funeral all while in a lot of leg and hip pain. As my biological mother also passed away when I was a child, standing at a grave site where I have now buried both of my parents at the age of 26 is just...well, surreal I guess. I'm still in shock.

I need to write a letter this week to United Airlines. In the world of air travel that has become less and less about the customer and more and more about the bottom line, they went above and beyond to accommodate me on my flights from upgrading me to seats with more leg room to checking my luggage through to my destination without the typical baggage charges and at most stops having a wheelchair waiting for me at the gate. (Although after what I paid for a last minute flight, a little accommodation was in order...) One customer in first class on a flight even asked the flight attendent to find "that tall redhead on crutches". He was offering to trade seats with me so that I would be more comfortable and on a second flight another gentleman did trade seats with me. There really are some kind people out there. Just a heads up, the only carrier that still offers bereavement fares is Delta and it is a meager 10%.

My leg started warming up about 3-4 days after starting on the high dose aspirin. It's definitely still swollen and purple but warmth is a good thing. The blood is flowing! Except that now that the blood is flowing, I have some sensation back which means that it hurts. Understatement. The pain is ridiculous. Just for comparison, by day 4 post op, I was taking 800mg ibuprofen for pain and then 5mg Valium in the evening for muscle tension/spasms. Now at it's worst 10mg Valium, 10mg oxycodone, 800mg ibuprofen and ice packs on my hip and calf aren't making me comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the blood is flowing again...a cold leg is not a good thing. But there are definitely times right now that I would rather have my leg ice cold with little sensation than warm and feeling like someone has chopped it up with a chain saw. Of course this is a wonderful predicament to find myself in heading back into 4 day work weeks this weekend. The pain isn't off the charts 24/7. It is constant and it is always much more intense than it ever was after initial surgery. But it varies between 'okay I'm going to suck it up and push through this because I have to' and 'OMG I can't move and I'm trying not to scream right now'. And you just don't know what you'll get when. I've left two separate messages to try to schedule with the vascular surgeon as instructed since I'm back in the Springs this week but they have not returned my calls. Talk about frustrating. And you can't just schedule like a normal patient. All new patients must schedule through the nurse. I'm not sure what I have to do at this point to get the appointment. I don't think they'll really do anything but it would at least be nice to know how long of a ride I'm in for with this pain roller coaster.

I started physical therapy today which was less than pleasant. I had no desire to go since my leg has been hurting so much. After being asked about 10 times by the therapist if I was sure that DVT had been ruled out, I asked a few questions of my own, none of which led to answers I liked:
1) My hip is snapping/crackling/popping around with small movements like it did before the surgery. Is this normal?
The PT didn't like the sound of that and was going to talk to my surgeon about that. Because of my collagen problem we aren't even ready to start moving my hip around in passive range of motion yet.
2) The surgeon say I could lose the brace and crutches at week 4 which is next week. How will we go about that?
My PT spoke extensively with my surgeon about my case today since I'm 'not normal' and said that at the 4 week mark it will take an additional 1-2 weeks to get me off of the crutches. I will need to stay in the hip brace an additional 3-4 weeks from the 4 week mark until we achieve enough stability in the hip joint that the brace isn't needed to help ensure that the joint can keep itself stable.
3) The surgeon said that I would be able to start doing simple stroking and footwork on my skates around the 3 month mark and jumping probably around month 4 with being at the full level of play I was at before surgery around the 6 month mark. So I get to start skating again in early August right?
The PT looked at me like I was nuts and then said it would be September or October before I would be able to even touch a pair of skates for footwork alone.

Needless to say that made for a pretty rough afternoon. Nothing, and I mean nothing, seems to be able to go right with this hip surgery. First the damage being much more extensive than originally thought, then the vascular complication, the insane amounts of pain in my leg from the complication and now you're telling me I not only don't get to toss my crutches and brace next week (which I've only been counting down the days til) but instead of early August it's going to be September or October before I can start skating again?!

Someone please come take my skates so that I don't have to hop past them every time I go in and out of my garage? Wait--first can I be pulled across the ice on my good foot just to feel the cold air in my face and maybe do a few power pulls? That might be reassuring. Then please take them away so I don't have to see them until I can have them back. My heart is in my skates and right now it's in a million pieces for a lot of reasons.